The Truth About Living With ARFID & OCD — And Why Eating Isn’t “Easy” For Everyone

in this solo episode, i’m pulling the curtain back on a part of my mental health journey i’ve never shared in full—my experience living with avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (arfid) and ocd. from being called a “picky eater” as a kid to navigating food anxiety, sensory overwhelm, and shame as an adult, i’m sharing what it’s really like to exist in a world that treats eating like it should be easy.

i talk about the social stress, the textures that send me spiraling, and how therapy + meds have helped me find some grounding. if you’ve ever felt alone in your relationship with food, this one’s for you.

this is the start of something more—more honesty, more connection, more healing out loud.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:05

Hello everybody, welcome back to All Our Parts. Welcome to All Our Parts if you're new here. Like I said, I'm getting into a new cadence where I will be releasing two episodes a week, one being Tuesday being the solo episode and then Friday being my typical guest episode. So today I wanted to talk a little bit about something that goes alongside my personal mental health journey. I realize when I look through my Instagram, I allude to the fact I've been in therapy. I am very much on medication, but I don't really get into the specifics of that. And I've created long form content so that I could discuss the nuances, not only of life and wellness and healing, but also in my own life. And so today we are going to talk about my challenging relationship with food. I know a lot of my friends experience and I'm sure people who are listening have experienced or know someone who has experienced it. So let's get into it. About a few years ago, I was officially diagnosed with avoidant restrictive food intake disorder, ARFID for short, which I will be calling it. And it was not something that I ever suspected. Also diagnosed with OCD. So those two things typically coincide. But finding this out and having this knowledge and the language for it was super helpful. So let's go all the way back to the beginning. I am little Jasmine. I am a pretty picky eater. Chicken nuggets, french fries, but a specific cut. So like I really like shoestring I really liked steak fries didn't really like waffle fries I didn't enjoy the texture of waffle fries and felt that they tasted different I liked baked potatoes but I didn't like potatoes with the skin on no lumpy potatoes and so my family did not have the language for this and so everyone definitely thought I was a a very picky eater I remember my aunt I mean it's low-key traumatic but it's shared anyway my aunt like she made like corned beef hash which is absolutely gross like I mean if you love it you love it I it was a texture nightmare for me and all of my cousins were able to finish it peacefully and enjoy it and I remember she was like sitting there watching me eat it like she's like you have to finish this if you want to go to the park and I was like you like I am like cringing like I'm about to fall out I think I was crying over this plate of food because it was the worst experience ever and so eventually like I ate begrudgingly I ate every bite of course we didn't feel like that was information I we just thought okay Jasmine's a really picky eater and then I would remember I would stay at my other aunt's house her kids loved eggs she would always make eggs with breakfast I didn't like eggs I would eat toast and bacon this was another like food moment for me was breakfast food so when we would go to IHOP or like any breakfast place I ordered white toast with bacon I did not like the butter I did not like to spread my own butter and see the butter on it. And I, in my mind, I did feel like they tasted differently. And it took a bit for me to branch out and say, maybe I want pancakes. Maybe I want to try like breakfast potatoes. But she wouldn't make eggs. And I hated the, even the thought of eggs. And that is what is so distressing about ARFID is it isn't just the, the sensation of like experiencing the food, but it is even the meal. perception of what that texture might be what that experience might be to eat that food and so when I look at eggs I am overthinking the egg like I have overthought it to the point that I don't want it anymore fast forward middle school high school I certainly struggled with restrictive eating I didn't like eating in front of people I still don't don't like eating in front of people, actually. So a lot of really close friends that I have know this. I will get coffee. I will rarely choose a place to eat. Sometimes I will begrudgingly agree to go out to eat with you. But I want to spend time with you, so that's why I agree. But I didn't like the cafeteria settings I rarely ate in my dining hall in college so if you are listening you are getting some very raw insight of why I rarely ate in the dining hall in college yes there was a reason here it is um because I felt like people were watching me eat like I felt like people were thinking about how much I was eating we're thinking about how much like I wasn't eating or if I was enjoying it and so I very much thought me eating was a show for people stems back from childhood my family liked to take very detailed note about what I was or wasn't eating commenting on my weight fluctuations commenting on the fact that I was eating certain things and not eating certain things thanksgivings were the worst Christmas was the worst. A girl can't just enjoy turkey and bread and it not be a big deal. It was a big deal for them and that's why I don't celebrate with them anymore. But... growing up and especially being someone who played on a lot of team sports, I certainly developed what I now know as safe food. So Chick-fil-A sandwich and a fruit cup, um, Chipotle. I love me some Chipotle still do. I did not like pizza really growing up. I was not a huge fan of the phenomenon of cold pizza. Um, And in my mind, food that is hot is meant to be eaten hot. Food that is cold is meant to be eaten cold. So as you are learning in this episode, I have a lot of rules around food. And I think that I didn't really know that that was not the norm. Like I didn't know that people could eat casually without having these anxieties around the food. What's the food going to taste like? What's the food going to smell like? What's the texture going to be? Is it going to be a slimy disaster? Is it going to be really cold? Is it going to be rotten? Like, I am thinking so much about the meal before I eat it that I I have lost interest in eating. And so at moments, especially when my anxiety is higher, even when I'm in distress, you would say, the first thing that goes for me is my appetite. So when I experienced like a really huge falling out in a relationship in undergrad, one of the first things that went was my appetite and I laid in bed, not hungry. and that was that and as I am talking about all of this it is really hard it's not something that I necessarily have shared super publicly because there's also a lot of shame around it I mean a growing up having people constantly having commentary about what you're eating and how you're eating how much of it you're eating that causes its level of anxiety but But I really thought it was just me being a really picky eater. And I would work so hard to avoid at all costs, not liking food in front of people. I am very much consumed with how other people are also experiencing me in that space if there is food around and that is that it's stressful and it brings up a lot of shame for me because I'm when people offer me food like I when I would work in office spaces and I'm like no thank you because I'm thinking about who cooked it I'm thinking about what's in it I'm thinking about so many aspects and then I'm thinking about if it's hot if it's cold what is it gonna taste like it is so much work and to eat sometimes to the point where sometimes it is so much easier to have no interest in eating because it is consuming. It is exhausting to be looking at a menu and then this one thing that kind of throws off my perception of the meal comes into play and then I can't eat the meal. And I wish, I really wish it was as simple as just try new foods, just try new things. And I recognize nobody is telling me to try new things that it's clearly my own shame, my own stuff coming up as I record this. But I also, this show is designed, I created the show so that all parts of people got to you take a front seat and you all see my really fun witty side. Interviews, compassionate, hopefully funny, a little bit of sarcasm. And so I want to also make space on my show for my own shame, for the things that I struggle with. So if that naggy part starts coming in as I'm recording it, I'm stopping it where I can. But yeah, like eating ARFID is a very serious thing. Honestly, what has given me the courage to talk about my experience with ARFID is I love Hannah, the little girl who does my ARFID life, the account led by her mom where she tries all these new foods. And that is so amazing. And it's seeing her approach such a topic that isn't talked about a lot and sharing her own experience with it has given me an ounce of courage to talk about it myself um It's been a long road to get to where I am now. Like I like waffle fries, like hanging out and eating with people. But trying new foods is still really hard. Like one of my foods that I really want to try right now is guacamole. So if anyone has a guac recipe or a guac restaurant that they would recommend I'm all for it um like I have foods that I'm like yeah one day like I'll get there and then there are some days where some weeks where I'm eating pizza pasta in rotation and chipotle because it's either busy or I'm feeling more anxious but I know for me it's more important to eat and to enjoy it and I don't need to overthink the textures and I don't need to push myself to try something new uh that day or that week I used to do this thing where I would go out to eat with my friends and then if I didn't finish it I put it in a box and then throw it away when I got home because I didn't want anyone judging me about throwing food away I didn't want anyone being like oh you didn't like the food because it's hard to describe when You eat a food and there's this one bite where the texture is off. And so all of a sudden you are completely turned off by the entire meal or there's a piece of it that's cold. And so for me to pack up a leftover meal and take it home, like this has to be the best ass meal ever. Like that shit had to have really hit for me to be like, yeah, I'm taking this home. I'm going to eat it later in the privacy That's also why I enjoy cooking a lot. I... I love that I have been able to... like make restaurant quality meals at home it's a really nice creative outlet for me it's an opportunity for me to slow down and it guarantees that i eat um again the most important thing for me and my wellness and my recovery and in taking care of myself is making sure that I eat and I check in with myself if I am feeling like less interested in the foods that I'm eating I check in with myself no appetite and honestly Prozac has helped with that hunger signal in my body it was a really nice feeling to feel hungry um so yeah that is about me I would love to hear what you all think um and I'll definitely talk more about what living with ARFID is like because I know a lot of people don't talk about it or like even what it is and it was only a very recent that like it is considered disordered eating um but yeah I think in this journey specifically for myself it has been giving myself a lot of grace and compassion and um accepting that it is a long road for me to eat freely and enjoy eating and that is okay and there are some weeks where Chipotle has all of my money and there are most weeks where I'm cooking and really enjoying what I'm eating and there are those rare weeks where I get really excited and feel like I can try something new um i would say my most recent new thing that i tried was steak tartare i mean because like all the major chefs make it so that also i am learning is food is like an experience for me it is something that i i enjoy and so I went to Hell's Kitchen with some friends and we ordered the steak tartare and it was just so fun to share it with them and one of them is like one of my best friends since undergrad and so I feel very safe with her very comfortable and that also creates an environment where I can try something new and I'm not overthinking it But yeah, that's a little bit about me. I think this also has introduced like the topic of shame, which is something that I will certainly be talking about in future episodes. I will be talking about my OCD in future episodes, struggled with depression. I'm excited to be sharing more in this space. It's very honestly nerve wracking as someone who shows up online pretty consistently I'm so nervous to put this episode out there and I am feeling ready and confident enough to as I'm building this community I want to be offering that same transparency that so many of you have offered to me so I am excited to grow with you all and continue sharing with you all And if this resonates in any way, let me know. But I'll see you all on Friday. Bye. We're healing out loud together. We're healing out loud together.